the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
