i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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