im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
