proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.