I cannot find my penis.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
