She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
