Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
