I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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