I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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