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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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