if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
