soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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