Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I need to sanitize my soul.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
