i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Your cock deserves a montage
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
