we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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