Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
