Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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