You smell like a Billy Joel song
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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