Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
