This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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