my phone needs a breathalizer
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
