I want to walk on stilts...naked
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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