he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
