Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
