Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
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Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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