i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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