Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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