I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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