I'm gonna have a badass scar
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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