woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
