she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
