He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
