i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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