god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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