Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Couch. On fire.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
