I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
