someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
