my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
