it's like iHOP with fire
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
