I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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