It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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