Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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