I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
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Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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