im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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