She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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