I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
