i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
