If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
