got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
