I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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