We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
