I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
